Entry #11.5 - The Other Side of Durden

I’d intended to write this entry before, but I felt that the positive experience I had with the Super Bowl and Cal was worthy of note. Basically because it was such an anomaly that I should particularly enjoy the grossly excessive male bonding that one is subjected to around here. The other side of that is the detrimental effects that too much exposure to an exclusively masculine society has on the psyche.

The Da Vinci Code comes to mind. I didn’t find the book expose any major credible unexplored revelations about the likelihood of a consciously malicious cover up by the Catholic Church. What I did find interesting was how it brought to light the idea of the “sacred feminine.” The idea that women and men provide a necessary balance to one another isn’t exactly new. Taoist philosophy has the ying and the yang deeply engrained in their belief system. The West, however, has largely ignored this and at great peril. Even women who are revered in our patriarchy are largely accepted because of yielding their feminine qualities in favor of masculine attributes.

This mentality carries over into corrections and acknowledging it may shed some light onto one of the reasons for its failures. In here, our interactions with females are minimal. There are a few women who work here as guards or in other positions. Our exchanges with them are utilitarian. With the exception of a daily phone call to my mother and the sparse visit, I’ve had little communication with the fairer sex. Letters have long since dried up.

Truth be told, I needed a bit of machismo in my life. I’m a bit of a mama’s boy and between the fact that I’ve always had an abundance of lady and gay friends, and my womanizing days, I was a bit lacking in the testosterone influence. Now the letters that provided me with balance have tapered and I’m inundated with testosterone. For most inmates (or a chunk of them at least), the problem is the exact opposite. Most of them have been making so many meathead decisions that the critical thinking that they could learn from women would be beneficial. One would think the goal would be to offset and reduce aggressive tendencies and promote emotional competence. Guess not.

For me, females simply have a calming effect. This isn’t exclusively sexual (although I openly admit that is an element of it). More than anything now, because of the lack of women in my life, I feel like a man apart. Separated from myself. Stifled in my vulnerability. The best that I can do in regaining it is this blog. Short of that, it manifests as shame. All the while, I feel sexually dead. No more longing, minimal desire, carrying over in a general lack of passion.

I’ve not been touched physically in any way in months. In some ways this may be a good thing. After all, I could be catching a beatdown. Unfortunately, this also includes affectionate contact, even platonically. Men don’t really hug one another (and I’m more than fine with that), short of a pound of the fist or the occasional handshake. Every three or four months, my mother comes and gives me a maternal hug and even that minimal contact can feel awkward. I can only venture to guess the long-term effect this will have on me and my future relationships.

I don’t understand the logic behind this model of corrections. I fail to see the progress that justifies it, as much as I fail to comprehend the inherent supremacy of patriarchy.

Playlist

Book: Happy Baby by Stephen Elliot

Magazine: Blender – because it’s not pompous

TV: X-Files reruns – I got to see an episode!

Song: “Cupid’s Chokehold” by Gym Class Heroes - Okay, I hate the song, but nonetheless I’m so proud of Dishashi for having made it. His old band put up with it when I booked ‘em and couldn’t afford to pay them ‘cause they were locals. He deserves his success. May it inspire us all.