Entry #18 - Justifiable Anger - 6.9.07

Being locked up, you no longer feel entitled to normal human emotions. Ultimately, it probably ends up just coming out in unhealthy ways and maybe that’s what they want.

When you first come in, letters from the outside are plentiful. For me, most were from older men and women from my father’s church or my recovery groups. Eventually and inevitably these dry up. People forgot you as you have no physical presence in their lives. Occasionally, you’ll get a sporadic letter from someone you haven’t heard from in a while or at all. They always apologize for not writing sooner and when you write them back you feel the need to tell them that you understand and that it’s all good – even when nothing could be farther from the truth. With their pardon in hand they go on to ignore you for another 5 months until guilt once again sets in.

The frustrating thing is that you never feel that you have a right to be angry. You apologize every time you snap at someone, even if they deserve it. You fucked up and whatever people offer you is because of their graciousness. People don’t understand that mail call is lifeblood. The only true beacon to the outside world. They don’t realize that rage that you feel when another day passes with no word, or the way you want to put a chair through the window. (And, as I said, with no female interaction, this feels natural.) People have jobs, kids, lives to lead, so whatever they offer to do is their charity, so if they procrastinate or do a shitty job, you’ve no grounds to protest.

Finally, when people ask how you’re doing, you have to tell them, “not too bad,” even when it’s not true, to set their minds at ease.

You’re supposed to be suffering and losing your mind. It’s inevitable. You live around, on top of, and beside some of the most annoying anti-social individuals in the world with no privacy, for no place to scream, no true aggressive outlet. You’re punished for outbreaks.

So for my own sake, let me say to the whole world FUCK YOU! No apologies.

And people wonder why people here get burnt out or beat the shit out of each other. It’s a miracle it doesn’t happen more.

Playlist

Radio: Nothing – Just please quit playing that shitty Nickelback.

Magazine: My first issue of Thrasher.

Book: I don’t know how to fucking read!