Entry #2 - Recidivism

I don’t question waking up here anymore. In fact, there’s nothing that could seem more natural. They say after a year the institutionalization kicks in. I passed that mark four days ago, and I’m sorry to say that it sounds about right.

I spent the morning at work, talking with a co-worker who’s only five months from his halfway house date after spending fifteen years in the prison system. You can see his excitement and apprehension. 85% of prisoners return to prison after their initial bid. We all know this, yet we do our best to believe that it won’t happen to us.

I know that my odds are better than most. Nonetheless, the possibility haunts me. Especially since there is very little opportunity to better one’s self in here.

I’ve just completed the horticulture vocational class—but I’ve no interest in plants whatsoever. I was under the impression prior to my arrival that there would be training programs for plumbing, electrician work, welding, etc….but when I arrived, I was informed that horticulture was the only program that they offered.

Career paths are only a small part o my anxiety, though. The smallest things now create in me such awe and terror that I never could have predicted it. Walking down the street, seeing normal folks, picking out clothes, and more than anything, talking to women. This place is just so normal now—even my dreams have begun to feel alien. I suppose that is the intention, to create a deviant, dependent class that subsidizes jobs in poor rural areas. Perhaps this explains the draconian sentences that they hand out to first-time offenders.

I just can’t help but wonder…is there a future for me?