Entry #3 - Coming of Age - 1.23.07

It seems that adulthood begins the moment you’re sober enough to realize that you’re getting old. Prison only pushes along this progression (for myself at least.)

My dream last night, from what I could tell, was about a high school or college graduation. It was quite joyous (with the small exception of the guy that I was running away from…but he’s in every dream lately). There were groups of girls singing and smiling at the boys, boys trying to be cool, and that feeling of climax that accompanies any ending which is also a beginning. It all made me both sad and nostalgic. It seems I’ve forfeited the final years of my youth, that is the entire second half of my 20’s. I feel that for me this may be a greater loss than for most.

Aaron and I used to take walks around Ithaca, discussing the conundrum that is created by our participation in something like punk rock. (This would incidentally inspire Marathon to write the song “Jolly Roger.”) It was always hard for the both of us to spend so much time in what is clearly a young man’s game. As valid as these conversation were, we were only in our early twenties, and the emotions weren’t as clear in me since I was actively drinking as a rampant alcoholic. Being that I’m not getting out of here until I turn 30 and am in recovery, I’m feeling tremendous pressure to get my shit together. Things are suddenly so real.

Prison does odd things to your perception of age. The majority of inmates in this facility are over 34, with a great many over 50. The Federal Prison population as a whole is much older than that of state facilities. I think while in Brooklyn MDC, I saw a statistic in the handbook that said the average age there was 36 years old. Now our living arrangements here are not cells—rather we live on army barrack-style ranges with bunk bed rows for 46 inmates. There are half wall cubical dividers to separate the spaces, but there is no real privacy. Living 24 hours a day with men of all ages who are all treated the same way by the administration gives you both a clearer image of what adults are really like and makes you realize that although young, you are not a kid anymore. In here, most of us are a bit immature regardless of chronology. It’s just so odd to watch grey-haired men acting like children and it makes you realize that you really don’t want to end up like them (it just looks odd...) Maybe I already have…?

I also find myself mourning the end of the celebratory rites of passage that are all but over. I’m going to miss my 10-year high school reunion while in here. Weddings are just for the most part lame (especially if they include that damn chicken dance), and as a whole, middle-aged people just look pathetic while engaged in celebration. Perhaps that’s just my belief…

Oh well, I suppose that this is my rude awakening, “I guess this is growing up.” I’m sure this is only the first entry on this topic as it is something that haunts me daily. Of course I’m the guy who found myself day-dreaming about prom after watching Dawson’s Creek…. :-/