Entry #5 - Acceptance and Legalization - 1.27.05

It has occurred to me that in my entries thus far, I may have omitted a crucial point. I by no means see myself as an innocent victim in all of this. I am guilty of the crime of which I was charged. I am not claiming otherwise. I do feel that sentencing guidelines lead to Draconian bids for minor drug charges and first offences (as in my case). However, I do think that my having to do some time is my fault, if not justified. This sort of acceptance is crucial to me doing my time, as well as accurate.

I realize that these sentiments may not have been evident thus far. In many of my entries, I am approaching incarceration from a deconstructionist perspective. My academic background is in Political Science, and I feel this journal may possibly be a useful tool in making people reconsider how we view “corrections” in this society. That doesn’t negate the fact that the intervention of law enforcement may have inadvertently saved my life. (Kind of hard not to reconsider life after 7 agents and a drug dog bum rush your home and hold glocks to your head while cuffing you in your boxer shorts.)

Every day I see men around me tearing themselves apart due to their refusal to truly accept any responsibility for being here. For some, it is their coping mechanism, but to me, it seems to be an erroneous one. The way I see it, I’m here, I’m finally sober, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to possibly live a better life in the future. Honestly, I’d probably rather be here than some of the places I found myself on the outside, both physically and mentally.

Personally, I do believe that drugs should be “decriminalized.” I’m torn though when that jump to “legalization” is proposed. I myself have struggled with addiction to substances. I don’t necessarily believe that the government should be the ones responsible for regulation, but I do acknowledge the damage that drug abuse has on our communities. This is truly a complicated issue and not one that should be acted upon as hastily as it has been in this country since Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign. Ideally, I should’ve been sent to rehab and then possibly placed under house arrest, as opposed to entering this quagmire of a system. We often hold this discussion around these parts, yet in here it seems mostly moot and largely rhetorical. (I guess a lot of conversations do.)

One interesting thing that I noticed on the road (when we were housed with inmates from all security levels) was that the inmates with the most serenity seemed to be those from High Security facilities. Perhaps it was their long sentences. Perhaps it was the strictly enforced boundaries. Perhaps it was the general oppression. When speaking to one of them, he seemed to be conveying the message that acceptance is vital to getting through one’s bid sanely. The advice he gave me was simple. He said, “Keep your head down, your temper under wraps, and never count the days. You did what you did, and this is how you wipe the slate clean.”

It’s a delicate balance to strike, between figuring out what’s your responsibility and what’s theirs. Not only does displacing the blame make folks bitter, but more importantly, it hinders one’s potential to work on one’s defects and to grow. Without growth, these years are truly squandered, and wasted days is the greatest tragedy of them all.